What do you do when your confidence sinks into the depths and oblivion seems inevitable? As a person who struggles with anxiety and depression, the past couple of days have been… tough.
Routine got me out of bed and functioning: the morning process of getting up, washed, fed, and then going for an early walk – often dropping some thoughts into the GM’s Journal on my iPhone – is pretty good at getting me off to a positive start.
The real challenge comes when the energy levels suddenly and seemingly inexplicably drop. There is a crushing sense of worthlessness and pointlessness that often overwhelms me. It’s tied in some ways to my natural biorhythm – the regular and fairly predictable fact that I will dip in energy in the afternoon and evening – but it’s more than that. I’m rarely sure what triggers it.
This state of low self-confidence and feeling worthless is what I find drives me to run for cover. To withdraw. To hide. The urge is to leave everything and get out of the way. What do I have to offer?
My response has been to catalogue these experiences. To be able to look at them as a series of emotions and thoughts that are occurring but are not definitive for me. In other words, to work on seeing that I am not who I feel that I am.
It’s the classic thought distortion of Emotional Thinking, wherein we believe that because things feel bad that they are bad. The first trick seems to be to recognise that this may not be true.
But when I am in this state I am also vulnerable. I feel lost and alone. Nothing seems like it has any meaning, value, or worth. Least of all me.
Hope you don’t mind me asking. I just didn’t really feel I had anything else to say today.