Fear. That’s what I feel when I think about prepping and running an actual RPG session. Then Master Yoda’s words pop into my mind:
“Fear is the path to the Dark Side.”
Master Yoda (well, ok, George Lucas), The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
What is this fear? It’s the emotion that arises when all the distorted thinking about running RPGs rises up into my consciousness. It’s a signal that my thinking is not in accord with reality. On reflection, it’s a manifestation of my social anxiety and it has steadily become more intense since the collapse of my face-to-face social gaming.
As I feel the fear, I am paralysed and begin to find ways to distract myself from that feeling. These are safety behaviours, the most common of which are avoidance strategies and/or attempts to rehearse the session ahead of time. I also avoid players who have (innocently) triggered uncomfortable feelings.
Here’s the deal: right now, I don’t trust myself as a GM.
How did I get here? I believe that I failed a lot. I ran too many games in a way that I didn’t really enjoy but which appeared to be the preferred style of most other gamers (especially the players). I internalised all the critiques and advice about gaming – much of it contradictory – and generated within myself a sense of uncertainty.
Here’s the first suspect belief, something that I perceive may not be true: I don’t know how to do it right. My conviction is that there is no “One True Way” but, at the same time, I internally hold myself to some imagined and ill-defined high standard that presupposes there is a way to “do it right”.
Across all these years, due to this fear and a lack of self-awareness, I’ve not developed the skills needed to present the kind of games I want to run. For example, Justin Alexander’s comment about how many GMs only know two approaches to running RPGs – dungeoncrawls and the railroaded plot – applies to me.
I know that the railroaded plot isn’t a solution so I keep falling back on dungeoncrawls. Nothing wrong with it but I have some learning to do. Shame about being an inept GM rises when I consider this and I want to hide away: “Who am I to speak about roleplaying games anymore?” Is that why I ended Season 12 of the podcast?
What do I want to run? I enjoy roleplaying games because you get to play in-character with an imaginary person in an imaginary world. I want to run games where players can get in-role and stay in-role as much as possible. I also enjoy games that are about exploration, problem-solving, and making the most of the RPG’s secret weapon: tactical infinity.
What I want is broadly a traditional roleplaying game played in a higher-trust style. You can see the problem: I don’t trust myself as the GM. How can I be a high-trust GM for others?
I’ve begun the work to address my social anxiety. The first part of the problem is facing it head-on and admitting it. This blog post is scaring the cr@p out of me but I need to post it. I’m externalising the experience so I can face it. Perhaps I’m also sharing it so my friends and fellow players might begin to understand.
But yeah, I’m a socially anxious GM.
Game on!
Roleplay Rescue’s Blog 
Speaking with all the authority of a random person on the internet who’s never met you, are you sure your anxiety isn’t making you underestimate yourself? I recently discovered your solo play podcasts, and they’re great! They’re creative, entertaining and the fights are really tense, set in a world that feels real from just a few descriptive strokes.
If you GM even half as well as that in your non-solo games, being a player in your group would be a real treat!
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Thank you, Adam. Yes, that is possible. It’s a feature of social anxiety to focus on one’s own perspective and experience without looking for evidence, or really noticing the feedback from others. I will try to bear that in mind, even though we don’t know each other. 😉🖖🙏
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Hi. I have listened to your podcast on and off for some time. I have always really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it and your blog posts. I think our tastes are very similar.
I also get anxious about running games, especially new games and/or with a new set of players. There is good reason for that. Running games well is very challenging. It is probably the hardest thing I do. You have to be on top of so much, respond quickly and well to what is thrown at you, and improvise fluently and imaginatively on the fly. I think it is good to accept this as a first step. No one would criticise the star of a play for getting nerves on the first night (and actually running a game can be harder than that, I think).
I think you have said that you are very rarely a player in a game; you are almost always the GM. I think it is very hard to develop as a GM if you don’t play in other games. I have learnt so much from other GMs, adopting little bits of play style, how they convey information, how they put players on the spot, how they present NPCs. I apologise if you are not looking for advice, but if you feel stuck in the games you are running, playing in other games can be a great remedy. As well as maybe learning some new tricks, you might also come to realise that actually you could do some stuff better than these other GMs, and that will help confidence. It is dead easy to get into games nowadays if you don’t mind playing online. I would recommend checking out what is going on on the Grognard Files discord server.
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Thanks, David. I do play and I certainly have played far more than I have GMed in the past. Yours is sound advice, for which I am grateful.
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I can relate. My greatest weakness as a GM is doubting the quality of my own output and overanalyzing it to the extent that I inadvertently kill my own interest in it.
There is no easy fix to anxiety. But there are beacons and anchors to stick to. And in a strange sense, it sometimes helps me to think “Would I hold anyone else to the standard I am holding myself to?” The answer is usually no. We have our view of ourselves, but sometimes positivity can come from seeing ourselves through other’s eyes and be reminded that things really aren’t as bad as our internal mind-goblins claim.
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