This one’s a quick psychological realisation from earlier this morning…
I appear to be pathologically unable to simply play a game because I want to, even alone, without there being a sense of being selfish and narcissistic.
Looking at my GM and player behaviours, I seem to always want to be “agreeable” and do what other people want to do… even when it’s not really what I want to do.
People say, “Hey, just chill out. It’ll all be ok. Just play.”
But I seem unable to “just play”.
On one level, I feel that there is nothing “just” (as in “mere” or as if it’s a small thing) about playing games. On another level, I seem to believe (due to my behaviours) that there is something “wrong” about playing purely by and for myself.
Solo play tends to come down to either “learning play” or “playing for others to learn”. If I try and do it “just” for me, I will procrastinate and not actually do the play.
Unless I am recording it to share, or to help someone learn, or even just so that I am learning for a future game with people, well… I won’t be able to play.
I don’t know what that block is all about. Why can’t I just play?
Game on!
Roleplay Rescue’s Blog 
I can sympathise with that to some extent, I often find myself getting stressed when talking to NPCs in a game that I’m taking too much time away from other people and–despite the fact no-one else seems bothered–I’m always conscious of it. The only way I’ve found to make myself more comfortable is to either bring other PCs in on the conversation or try to summarise the conversation and make it shorter.
Not exactly the same thing you’re discussing but I do sympathise.
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You say you have ‘[A] sense of being selfish and narcissistic’ but at the same time say ‘I seem to always want to be “agreeable” and do what other people want to do’.
Since these are mutually-incompatible postures, you need to figure out which one most consistently fits the facts of the matter.
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Hmm. Well, the “sense of selfish[ness]” drives me away from doing things alone and towards being “agreeable” so I am not sure they are as incompatible as you suppose.
The truth is that the feeling is coming from false / contaminated thinking and is rooted in socialised habitual thought patterns. Being agreeable has been a successful strategy for not being alone: as a gamer, when I go along with what others want then I am more likely to have friends at the table; when I push for what I want, people are more likely to leave. Thus, illogically enough, I have come to believe that gaming for myself leads me away from friendship.
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