At the end of today’s session playing After Ruin with the Nottingham RP group, I realised that my anxiety about meeting folk face-to-face and running an RPG has dramatically reduced. There has been a process of unwinding the anxiety that felt so crippling 18 months ago. This was a moment of recognition and relief.

It’s my belief that the repeated action of rolling up to play with the (broadly) same group of good people over an 18-month period has rewired my response to the idea of social gathering and running roleplaying games. Whereas I know that challenging my unhelpful beliefs has been a large part of the process, the bigger impact has come from experience.

It’s been the same with my journey into Orthodoxy within the church: at first, the seemingly arcane and complex ritual of the Divine Liturgy was (while beautiful) somewhat alien. Over the years, however, I have felt myself reshaped and formed through the repetition of the ritual. I’ve learned that activity and action shapes thought and perception in a slow change.

This is a discovery that I am glad to have recognised. In a world obsessed with the belief that ideas are primary, the reality is that our doings shape our thoughts and experience. Thus, in beginning to play with new friends, I have also begun to learn how to be present with those people and learn to play with them. These people.

The current game took things a step further when I chose, very intentionally, to present and run a game that was much closer to the experience that I wanted to share. In focusing outward, in intending to give my friends a particular gameplay experience, I have simultaneously transformed my inner experience from anxiety towards enjoyment.

The practical upshot is that I am learning to act rather than think overmuch. There is no trying to run a roleplaying session; only the actual doing of game mastering will reveal the learning that you need to discover. The more I lean into the possibility of the play at the table, the more I uncover joy and imagination.

Game on!